handjob tips. give me some.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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