I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
