please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
