im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
