I need to stop coming to work sober
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
