Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
