On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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