i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
