There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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