I think I am morally bankrupt
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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