I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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