Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
