True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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