I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
