I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
