Small penises have feelings too.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
