I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
