guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You left your phone here
Wait...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
