I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
