i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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