hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
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