i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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