my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
