I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
