i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize