the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
