People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
