i need an iv and a liver transplant
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
