So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I smell stomach acid.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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