They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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