Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Pooping to opera.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
