He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
