when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
