i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
