Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
