Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
