he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
