I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
