A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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