Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
