Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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