My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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