he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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