I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
