Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
