I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
