I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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