I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
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