yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
