i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
