why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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