I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
