My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
