Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
