i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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