I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
