I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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