I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
