i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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